Not allowed
by The Capslock Critic
Summary: 15 things I am not allowed to do to twilight characters. Written to help with a writer's block. Now a fourshot!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series.**

**15 things I am not allowed to do to Twilight characters.**

1. I am not allowed to tell Edward that he holds the record for being the oldest virgin in the world.

2. I am also not allowed to tell him that being bloodthirsty is a sign of having a vampire fetish.

3. I shouldn't act clueless when he tells me that he IS a vampire.

4. Pretending to trip in front of Bella is not allowed.

5. Especially if I make Bella trip over me while pretending to trip in front of her.

6. Covering Bella in fake blood and then inviting Edward to "share" is not a good idea.

7. I will not speak slowly for Emmett's sake; it will anger him.

8. I am not allowed to ask Bella if she only read love stories because she didn't have a love life.

9. Stealing Billy's wheelchair and replacing it with a tricycle is not acceptable.

10. Riding down large hills on it will probably make him very mad.

11. I will not dress up in a werewolf costume and tell Sam that I have "come to join the pack."

12. I also will not tell Leah that the meaning of Emily's name is 'Rival'.

13. ...Even though it's true.

14. I should not show Renesmee pictures of the Lockness monster and make sly comments about the "family resemblance".

15. I am forbidden to tell Jacob that the only reason he didn't imprint on Bella was because he had to imprint on a creature that was part Bella and part EDWARD.


	2. chapter 2

1. I will not call the Cullen's house and ask for Carlisle, claiming that "I'm the nurse he gave his phone number to at lunch."

2. I will not try to dissemble Edward's Volvo because I "wanted to see what was inside."

3. I shouldn't bring Renesmee into Bella and Edward's room, look around, and say: "Do you know what goes _on_ in here?"

4. I also shouldn't explain exactly what does go on in there.

5. I am not allowed to ask Jasper why the South lost the war when he's _so_ good at strategies.

6. Trashing the Cullen's house when Esme is not looking would be a very, very stupid idea.

7. Shouting "Vampire power, unite!" when I am near the wolves will not endear me to them.

8. Edward is _not_ bringing sexy back, and saying so will make him very angry.

9. It might make Bella angry too.

10. The Volturi do not want anything to do with the werewolves OR the Cullens, so suggesting a "spiritual bonding time" will not please them.

11. I am not allowed to remind Edward of his stalkerish tendencies.

12. Tying Jacob to a fire hydrant is forbidden.

13. I am not allowed buy a book of blonde jokes. Or use it viciously.

14. I am not allowed to attempt to "cure" Carlisle of his abstinence to human blood.

15. Note to self: maxing out Alice's credit cards on jeans and t-shirts might cause bodily harm.

16. To yourself.

17. Yelling: "To me, Fire Dragons of Sorgon!" does not work on werewolves.

18. ....or vampires.

19. But it does work on squirrels.

20. Sometimes.

21. Though Alice may be a pixie, she does not have wings, and it is unwise to try to fix that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. However, I do own a computer game that is taking an infuriating time to load. Also, I used to have a grilled cheese sandwich, but I ate it. Sooo...**

**Several more ways to annoy the Cullen clan! And the werewolves! Tada!**

1. I am not allowed to push Edward outside during a sunny day and shout: "Burn, darn you! Burn! ...Why are you sparkling!?"

2. I am not allowed to call Bella Mary-sue, as that is mean and will likely provoke an attack.

3. I should not cuss Edward out in my head using curses he can't understand, such as _D'arvit_, _Barzul_, and _Erre es korakas!_

4. Sprinkling body glitter on the werewolves will make them angry.

5. Likewise, attempting to push the vampires into a bonfire will have a similar effect.

6. Bella and Edward are not in any way similar to Hansel and Gretel, so it would not be amusing to make them "follow the trail of blood to the cottage."

7. Also, the cottage is _not_ made out of candy and I shouldn't try to change that.

8. ...And Esme is not the wicked witch who wants to eat Edward and Bella, so she wouldn't appreciate being called that.

9. I am not allowed to cook a huge dinner, only to lock the werewolves out and tell them "It's for the vampires only."

10. I am not allowed to send concentrated waves of anger, frustration, and jealousy towards Jasper every time Edward and Bella kiss.

11. I shouldn't tell Rosalie that the color of her eyes doesn't go with her hair, and she should try a different color, like maybe red?

12. Every time Emmett brags about a bear he caught, I should not shake my head sadly and say: "Holding grudges is never healthy. You have to learn to forgive and forget. Maybe you should try apologizing next time."

13. And when Emmett stares at me in confused disbelief, I should not shout, "I was only trying to help him move on!" and storm out of the room.

14. Whenever Bella describes Edward's eyes as golden, gorgeous, or molten bronze, I should not list alternative synonyms under my breath.

15. It is impossible for vampires to sleep. Tranquilizers, sleeping pills, and/or chloroform will not fix that.


	4. Chapter 4

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**That is the sound of an author afflicted with Writer's Block. It burns!!!!**

**But seriously, I am working on my stories. I just...have writer's block. That's my best excuse. Please don't mob me! *runs sobbing into a corner* so because I have writer's block, you get another chapter! Wow, that sounds contradictory. Anyway, here you go!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. If I did own Twilight, many of these pranks would appear in the books. *evil cackle***

1. I am not allowed to sneak into Bella's room at night, and tell her that Edward had some business to take care of, so I'm his replacement.

2. Charlie's gun is NOT to be replaced with a lightsaber. Also, contrary to popular belief, the police do not secretly have the power to use the force. And they never will.

3. I should not try to change that.

4. I am not allowed to randomly change my mind about what I want to be when I grow, just to annoy Alice.

5. I shouldn't change my mind about my future career to things like Citrus fruit dryer, Crocodile wrangler, Chicken sexer, and Odor tester.*

6. I am not allowed to draw Bella's blood to see how good it smells, and/or tastes.

7. When Edward finds out, I will not use the excuse: "But I'm practicing to be an Odor tester!"

8. Coincidentally, if am not allowed to bring home a chicken so I can try and find out how to be a Chicken sexer.

9. Whenever Edward and Bella kiss in front of Renesmee, I am not allowed to accuse them of "getting it on" in front of Renesmee.

10. Alice is not the person who writes the fortunes in fortune cookies.

**Well, that's all I can think of right now. Dang it! Writer's block is even affecting this story! Anyway, I'll try hard to update my other stories soon, because NaNoWriMo is starting next month, and this year I'm participating! Is anybody else? I can't wait for November!**

***Yes, those are all actual jobs. Even Chicken Sexer.**


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